Are You OK?

This sounds very caring and concerned, doesn’t it? I bet when you read it, you got a warm feeling. This is what people ask when they notice that someone is not looking good, or has just suffered a loss or illness, or they just have a feeling that something is off.

If you have read any of my articles, however, you know I’m going to turn this around lol!

I propose that this is a terrible question to ask. Let’s use “Alice” and “Debbie” as examples. Debbie asks Alice “Are you OK?” with the intention of showing concern and letting Alice know she cares, but it leaves Alice in an uncomfortable quandary. How does she respond?

Alice may be just fine, in which case she is now wondering, “Do I look like something is wrong?” “Do I look tired or sick?”

Alice may actually be feeling poorly or unwell, but doesn’t want to share that with Debbie. So how does she respond?

Alice may be feeling awful, looks awful, and gets angry, yelling, “Of course I’m not ok!” or is too ill to respond and gets even more pissed off but can’t express it.

Alice may have a whole litany of problems that she would love to share, but doesn’t know if Debbie is really interested, or how much she wants to hear.

Alice may take a leap of faith and share something devastating with Debbie, who now has to figure out how to respond and may be overwhelmed, or was never that interested to begin with but is now stuck.

“Are you OK?” is a “yes or no” question, which is the worst when it comes to getting information. Social convention suggests that when Debbie notices something amiss with Alice, she can ask, “Are you OK?” to fulfill her social obligation. Alice will then respond, “Yes, I’m fine” and the social niceties are completed.

The real question is, how much do you want to Connect? This social convention leaves the parties in a state of disconnection. If Connection is the intention, then dispense with “Are you OK?” and instead, say, “I notice you are looking sad. Tell me what’s happening.” You could also say, “I’m concerned because I know you recently lost your dog and that can be really traumatic.” You might say, “I see you’re not well, what do you need?
Any of these statements demonstrate caring and compassion and also open up space for sharing while also providing the opportunity for a response such as, “I’m too tired to talk right now,” or “I’m not ready to talk yet but I’d like a hug,” or “Please make me some soup.”

Finally, it’s extremely important to not invalidate or minimize a child’s intuition when they ask this question. When a child asks, “Mommy, are you ok?” when they are observing Mommy being sad, angry, sick, or crying, the worst thing Mommy can reply is, “I’m ok.” Mommy is clearly NOT OK, but telling the child she is fine will lead to the child subverting their intuition and doubting themselves when an authority figure denies their reality. This can lead to that child becoming an adult who can easily be manipulated, exploited, and victimized.

So, are you OK? Don’t answer that. How about telling me how you’re feeling and what you need?

Be In Light
Carol

Adaptability for us humans can be our greatest strength and it can be our greatest weakness.

We adapted to life after ice ages and cataclysmic events. We adapted to every environment on earth. We adapted to every category of foods - from meat to vegetables to grains, to fungi, to fish. We adapt to adversity and survive, even thrive. We adapt where other species go extinct. This is wonderful and will keep us around till the end of time.

We also adapt to pain, abuse, stress, and unhealthy conditions of our own making. This is not good. It allows us to continue in states of dis-ease. Our limbic systems, or survival brains, adapt by making the abnormal into normal

For instance, this is what happens during the addictive process. When the brain reward system is stimulated to extraordinary degrees, either by drugs or behaviors, the limbic system creates a new baseline of what is a normal amount of stimulation. Unfortunately, it also remembers how good the excessive stimulation felt, and that sets up the craving that is a key factor in addiction.

We also see maladaptive patterns develop in abusive situations. It’s like the story of the frog in the hot water. Throw a frog into boiling water and it jumps right out. Put it in cool water and slowly heat it and the frog will adapt until it boils to death. Interpersonal violence and abuse usually start this way – a victim is lured into the relationship and, when the abuse begins, they make excuses and adapt. Finally, they are living with a level of cruelty and mistreatment that they could never have imagined themselves tolerating.

In any situation where adaptation has become intrinsically harmful, the prefrontal cortex – thinking and reasoning brain – is co-opted into making excuses, rationalizing the irrational, feeling pride in the ability to tolerate pain, and even creating the thoughts that lead to the stimulation.

As a therapist, I see my job as removing barriers to optimal mental health. That means looking at each person’s entire life, not just a section of it, and identifying what is getting in the way of the individual’s goals. How have they adapted to stressors in the past that now prevents peace and joy in the present and future? This involves not just talk therapy, which takes place in the prefrontal cortex, but non-talk therapeutic interventions, such as EMDR or brain-spotting, to get into the limbic system and file the past away on the brain’s hard drive so the individual can make clear decisions now.

I challenge you to explore your own life and, as we approach a new year, consider how you have adapted to the various aspects of your life – family, partners, work, leisure, and health – and make a Vision Board. What do you want your life to be? What kind of person do you want to be? What kind of world do you want to create for yourself?

Then live that life, be that person, and live in that world.

Be In Light

How often do you hold back expressing yourself because you don’t want to look stupid? How often does negative self-talk keep you from saying or doing something you want? Did you know this can be part of an addictive process?

Addiction is about stimulation, and fighting is stimulating. That includes fighting with ourselves. How many times a day do you get into an argument with yourself about something you sort of want to do but don’t really? Or argue with yourself about something you think you “should do” but would rather not?

“Should” is a bad word, by the way. It puts the responsibility for our decisions and behavior on an external entity, such as society, a parent, a religion, or just “them.” I “should” exercise, I “should” pray on Sunday, I “should” be nice to my Aunt Sally. We use “should” to control other people, which then alleviates our own insecurities, as in “You should bring me flowers,” “You should call me every day,” or “You should want to have sex with me five times a week.” “Should” leads to guilt or resentment and who says? Change it to “want” or “would like” and you can change your mood and attitude.

When we argue with ourselves, there is a “should” involved, which leads to increased stimulation for the addict brain. When we really dig deeper to find the meaning underneath the surface “shoulds,” we find that special button that gets pushed so easily and leads to anger, resentment, and overall disconnection. That button is whatever message you have taken in about yourself that is not rational but was ingrained at a young age when you weren’t even aware of it. That button is the one that says “I’m a failure,” “I’m not important,” “I’m worthless,” or “I’m stupid.” You argue with yourself because you know, cognitively, that it’s not true, but deep inside your limbic system, you fear that it is.

There are various ways to heal from the traumas that caused you to create that button and there are many interventions to change your responses to events that push the button, but meanwhile, how do you not engage in the mental conflict that is so stimulating to your addict brain? How do you get past the negative beliefs about yourself to just speak up and express yourself?

You say, “So what?” So what if I’m worthless, so what if I’m not important, so what if I’m a failure, so what if I’m stupid?

So what? Float above it like you float above the rip tide.

Dare to be stupid!
(Weird Al Yankovic,)

Be In Light
Carol

The world seems to be a scary place right now. All the predictions about climate change are coming true. There is the war in Ukraine, several African countries, the Middle East, and the threat of war in Asia. There is gang violence the equivalent of war in Central America, Haiti, and countless other countries including the United States. There are animals facing extinction. Environmental disasters, starvation, and disease are all killing people. We have such extreme polarization in our political parties that the promise of our nation seems immobilized.

And none of this is new. Homo sapiens appeared about 315,000 years ago, with some references stating that modern humans popped up about 200,000 years ago. That is us, humans, with a prefrontal cortex, or thinking brain. Our limbic system, or emotional brain, is about 250 million years old. Our reptilian brain, which governs body functions, is even older.

What this means is that although we have had the ability to think and reason and make rational decisions, we often have not. We have used our smart brains to create technological advances that have harmed our environment. We have used our smart brains to create better ways to kill each other in war. We have not often used our smart brains to live comfortably in harmony with nature and each other. We have not often used our brains to improve our lives in fun and positive ways.

You may argue that we have, indeed, used our brains productively and I will argue back that, although we have done a lot and have demonstrated the capacity to make positive progress, we have been severely impeded by aggression, greed, and general lack of Connection that has led us to the problems I stated in the first paragraph.

What gives me hope is when I look at the big picture. We have survived catastrophic events, whether of our own making or not. Almost all of the animals alive today were not here before the last ice age or the meteor that wiped out the dinosaurs. We have created amazing innovations that enhance our lives, like the computer on which I’m typing this article and the internet where I looked up homo sapiens evolution.

I look at our political history and see that corruption and greed have always been present and yet we have moments in time when heroes rise up and remind us that there is a better way to live, that we can be more evolved and loving, and that we can truly Connect.

In every generation there are such leaders and role models. There are individuals who hold up a torch for us to follow and who show us who we can be. These are the lights in dark times, the lights when we feel hopeless or despairing, the lights that guide us towards the vision of our best selves.

We can all be a light in the darkness, every day in many ways. Find a way and Be the Light.

Yours in Light,
Carol