I grew up in an alcoholic home and had a drug addicted boyfriend at one time, so I wanted nothing to do with addicts when I became a mental health counselor. The Universe had other ideas for me, however, and when I couldn’t find work anywhere else, I ended up in a substance abuse treatment facility. My father and ex-boyfriend went into recovery around the same time and made amends and I experienced a profound shift in perspective. Over the years, I became a Certified Addictions Professional and when I specialized in sex therapy, working with sex addicts was the next progression for me.

After years of working with couples and individuals, sex addicts and others, I formulated a conceptual framework of treating everyone that was based on Recovery principles. When I realized I was saying the same thing over and over as I educated clients and students about how we create barriers to intimacy by using addictive thinking and behavior, I decided to write it all down and voila! Addict America: The Lost Connection was born. It actually gestated for seven years but it eventually was completed and then translated into Spanish.

Working and teaching in the sex therapy field, I have been exposed to a few sexologists who are fundamentally opposed to the concept of “sex addiction.” They have posited various reasons for this, including opinions that sex addiction treatment professionals are “sex negative,” into “reparative therapy,” and religious fundamentalists. For me, none of this is true. A few other professionals are less oppositional but still questioning. While I try to avoid going head-to-head with anyone who is obviously not really interested in a discussion, I am happy to engage in more academic discourse on the subject. Still, I find myself fighting twinges of defensiveness and last night, as I explored this, I was able to move to a completely different place of perspective, which I want to share.

I am blessed to be able to work with addicts. Addicts, no matter the drug or behavior, go through hell and it takes enormous courage and willingness to change in order for them to begin Recovery. As they learn new ways of living, make decisions about everything from what shoes to wear to where to eat, work, play, to relationship choices, they are evolving to a higher spiritual plane. When addicts are living in Recovery, they are present and grounded. They have made choices as to what kinds of people they want to be and they live congruently with that identity. They have made choices regarding their values and what is important in life and are living according to those values. They are fully able to be in intimate, Connected relationships, whether with a committed partner, a child, a friend, a coworker, or someone just passing on the street. For each moment, there is Connection and awareness of Connection. They have Connected to a higher power and live the Serenity Prayer without rationalization, minimization, or intellectualization. They can truly say, and often do, that the worst day in Recovery is better than the best day in addiction. They are my heroes and my role models. I am humbled and grateful to be a part of their journeys.

We all have it in us to be in addiction or be in Recovery. I know when I am not present, not Connected, and not in harmony with the Universe. I know when I’m rushing around, angry or irritable, and blaming others. That is an addictive place. I also know when I am grounded, in the moment, and have a sense of myself and others in Connection. I know who I am and am responsible for myself. That is Recovery. It is where I strive to live.

Be In Light,

Carol

For many years now I’ve noticed that in the Fall – October and November – I and a lot of people I know complain of feeling tired and with that tiredness comes a sense of depression. As a therapist, I’m aware of clients coming to see me and wanting my help with this. That’s my job, right? To help people with depression and fatigue?

Over the centuries, people have become distanced from their Connection with the earth – the growing cycles, the interplay of plants and animals, and the seasons. We have become disconnected from our own biology as well. We all have that Caveman Brain that is ruled by instinct, the autonomic nervous system, and emotions. We can mediate it with our prefrontal cortex, or Enlightened Brain, but it helps to know the source of our emotions and drives.

In the case of the tiredness we feel in the Fall, it makes sense that this is the time when the days are growing shorter, when the frenetic planting and growing is done and the harvest is in and we can rest. It is a time to unwind and be still. Our Caveman Brains know this but our Enlightened Brains are still in “Go go go” mode and so the natural fatigue we feel is interpreted as something being wrong. Without knowing what it is and being able to fix it, we then feel depressed.

When I recognize this and allow the process, I’m okay. I give myself permission to take naps, to do a bit less, and to enjoy the cooler weather and shorter days (even here in Miami). When I reassure my clients that there is nothing “wrong” and that this is just a part of the seasonal cycle, they feel more peaceful and can experience the regenerative energy of this brief time before the holiday madness engulfs us.

If you or your clients or your friends have been feeling a bit tired or drained, it’s okay. There is nothing to fix. Relax with a good book (The Wind in the Willows is my favorite), take a break, and Connect with what you love. The days will lengthen once more and as nature stirs, the plants slowly waken, the rivers flow with melting snows, then so will your life force energize with the New Year!

Be In Light

When I first saw the movie “Avatar,” I was struck by the beautiful greeting the Na’vi use with each other, which is “I see you.” (That is also how the people from Swaziland greet each other, thank you internet).

That phrase, “I see you” is very powerful in so many ways and really resonates with the themes in my book, Addict America: The Lost Connection.

When I say “I see you,” I am first saying that I am aware of your presence and that I see your physical body. That may seem an obvious thing on the face of it, but think about how many people you might greet in a day. Do you really see them or is your mind elsewhere? Do you see the entire person or just parts, such as eyes, mouths, or maybe breasts?

Saying “I see you” gives the message that I am looking at you, the whole you, and that I am acknowledging your personhood.

On a deeper level, saying “I see you” can mean that I see your essence or inner self. At heart, we all want to be accepted unconditionally, no matter our perceived failings, weaknesses, or faults. We are mostly afraid to be fully seen, because we are afraid of rejection. We are afraid that if we are seen for whom we really are, we will be judged as not important, not good enough, or even as bad. We put up walls and wear masks in the hopes that people will see us as we wish to be seen and then we live with the fear that we will be discovered in our deceit.

Finally, saying “I see you” keeps me present. I am aware of the two of us in this space, in this time, and that in this moment, nothing else exists.

Greeting someone with “I see you” is an opportunity to give the gift of your full attention and presence and to give the gift of unconditional acceptance. It is the opportunity to Connect.

Be In Light,

Carol

Those who know me were very much surprised to hear that I had gone to a discussion and book signing by the infamous purveyor of porn, Larry Flynt. I surprised myself, actually, but I was interested in his new book, One Nation Under Sex, and I also admire him for his continuing work to defend our First Amendment.

Mr. Flynt was entertaining during much of his talk about how the sex lives of our presidents and their first ladies have influenced our politics and I applaud his derision of the hypocrisy in our country. What I found disappointing was his response to a question I posed.

Only that morning, I had been on a panel discussion before a class of medical students and the other panel members, all sex therapists and educators, had denigrated the concept of sex addiction. I respectfully listened to them but they rolled their eyes and made faces indicating their repudiation of my foolish (in their eyes) position on the subject – responses that I personally found juvenile and unprofessional – and I thought it would be interesting to hear what Mr. Flynt’s thoughts might be.

Unfortunately, he only made the well-worn, supposed-to-be-amusing remark that if someone had to have an addiction, sex is the one to have.

Sex addiction, like any addiction, is painful, shameful, and negatively affects not only the addict, but the significant people in the addict’s life and even those who are objectified by the addict’s behavior. It’s not about having joyous, unrestrained orgasms and sex play and it’s not about loving relationships. Labeling sexual behavior as addictive is not about imposing morals or limiting freedom of sexual expression. It’s about behavior that is obsessive, compulsive, and out of control and leads to negative consequences to self and others. Addiction is a barrier to intimacy and Connection, while recovery from addiction leads to true joy in life.

I hope that before anyone argues with me about whether or not sex addiction exists, you will read my book, Addict America: The Lost Connection. You will get to know me and hopefully understand how I conceptualize addiction.

I don’t know you, Larry, but I’m glad we met, and I thank you sincerely for fighting for our right to have these discussions.