One of my favorite assignments to give my clients is to create a vision board. This is a way to decide what kind of person you are, what is important to you, and how you want to live. I like the vision board to be an actual foam board – about 2 feet by 3 feet – where you put magazine photos, small objects, and actual words on. As it fully develops, you step into it, and live in congruence with your values and goals.

For most people, anger, hatred, resentment, and sadness are not the places they want to inhabit. Most people, when asked, will say they want to live in love, joy, and contentment. In reality, though, their behavior does not match their desires.

I struggle with this often, especially in today’s political climate, which has led to the unleashing of so much ugliness and cruelty. It is so easy to slip into anger and despair, and to perseverate on the people I perceive are causing this.

So, what do I do?

I was raised as a Christian, and I am very familiar with both the Old and New Testaments, especially the gospels. These contain the lessons from Jesus, a great teacher, regardless of anyone’s religious or agnostic or atheistic identities. For every life situation, I can turn to something Jesus said (and yes, I know that we can’t know what was actually said), and apply it to my life. The result being that I feel better, more at peace, and definitely more in harmony with the self I want to embrace.

To begin with, Jesus’ main message is to “love and forgive.” Simple, yet difficult. The other day, I was obsessing about the meanness people are displaying to those they view as “other,” and “less than.” I turned my attention to a family member who embraces all the conspiracy theories, calls herself a Christian, but expresses discrimination and bigotry towards various groups. She has even lashed out at me personally for having differing opinions than she does. How do I forgive her?

Then I thought of Jesus hanging on the cross. He had been betrayed by a close friend, had been persecuted by former followers, was judged as an enemy of the state, and was now being stabbed with swords by the Romans as he was dying. And what did he say?

“Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.”

Many of the people in power know exactly what they are doing, and they don’t care. I can put those aside more easily than the people who follow them. Those are the ones that make me most angry, until I recall what Jesus said. As I do that, my anger drains away, and I can feel compassion and forgiveness. They truly “know not what they do.”

Human beings have the incredibly difficult task of rising above their Survival Brains to Connect with their Enlightened Brains.* As I tell my students, the biggest motivator of human behavior is the need to belong to the group. This has been a primary survival mechanism, although it is no longer so important for the survival of the species as it was 200,000 years ago. That mechanism is still active in our limbic systems and explains a lot of irrational behavior. When the limbic system is activated by fear or addiction, it shuts down the prefrontal cortex’s – Enlightened Brain’s – ability to make rational decisions.

When people are living in fear and anxiety, and when they are immersed addictively in social media groups, they lose the ability to think – to ask themselves, “does this make sense?”

Whatever your faith, whoever your teachers are – Buddha, Mohammed, Gandhi, the Dalai Llama, and others – there is the common message of love, forgiveness, and Connection.

YOU can be a teacher as well.

Be the Light

* Addict America: The Lost Connection

Carol

We all make mistakes. We all do things for which we are sorry, which we regret, and for which we want forgiveness.

Sometimes, though, we commit an act so harmful that we feel like we can never be forgiven and don’t even want to be forgiven, because that would somehow negate the harm we caused.

Examples of this include the soldier who kills civilians, the drunk driver who causes a fatal crash, or the partner who cheats.

Sometimes, we experience a moment of thoughtlessness, of a poor decision, that results in harm and changes our lives forever.

Then we have to live with the consequences.

How do we do that?

Atonement.

AI defines “atonement” as follows:

Atonement, in a general sense, refers to the act of making amends or reparations for a wrong, injury, or offense. It can involve actions to repair a damaged relationship, express remorse, or satisfy a moral debt. In a theological context, particularly within Christianity and Judaism, atonement specifically refers to the reconciliation of God and humankind, often through sacrifice or ritual.

Atonement goes beyond the forgiveness of either oneself or from another person. It requires intentional action that may involve either the injured party or, more often, others who had nothing to do with the original act. It is frequently ongoing.

For instance, the soldier may volunteer with a homeless shelter, the drunk driver may spend the rest of their life educating others about the dangers of drinking and driving, and the cheating partner may choose daily to be a more thoughtful and loving person.

Atonement keeps the injury fresh so that the offender does not fall into complacency and minimize the harm. It also provides positive action so the offender does not remain static and just wallow in misery for what they did.

Finally, atonement is an acknowledgment that we are all human and therefore fallible. Every time I get judgmental and think, “How could you do that?!” I remember some of the things I’ve done, and I go to a place of compassion and empathy.

I Connect.

Be In Light,
Carol

I Connect.

I got mine, now you get nothing.

This is the greatest hypocrisy – when people believe that something is right, and then renege when it comes to someone else getting what they got.

There are a lot of examples, but right now, I’m thinking about immigration. All of us, save Native Americans, are children of immigrants or immigrants ourselves. We are all here in the U.S. because we or our ancestors lived in some place that was so horrible, so poverty-stricken, or so war-torn, that they left everything they ever knew to try to make better lives for their children. From the person in the highest position in this country to my neighbor down the street, this is true, and yet they have now taken the reprehensible position of telling people just like them or their forebears that they have to leave. They have to return to the horrors of their countries of origin, and for what? A complete myth that these hardworking, courageous people are somehow dangerous.

I live in Miami – a city of immigrants. I have never felt threatened by an immigrant – documented or not. I see them everywhere- selling flowers far into the night at intersections, repairing roofs in 90+ degree heat, cleaning houses, and of course, working in the fields. Contrary to the lies spread by politicians out for gaining power through spreading fear, they don’t get benefits. They are not taking anything away from anyone. Many of them pay taxes for which they will never earn healthcare or social security or unemployment benefits. They are fortunate if they can get emergency medical treatment at the one hospital that will treat them. Now there is nowhere safe, and if they are deported, they will return to disease, chaos, and even death.

White Europeans came to this country to escape their own persecutions and famine, and immediately began committing genocide. Then we brought enslaved people to enrich us and fought a civil war that continues to this day just to continue the idea that white skin makes us superior. We try to atone for this periodically, but that is short-lived and insufficient at the best of times.

So much of what we Americans take pride in has been accomplished by using and abusing those among us without a voice.

How does this belong in a newsletter for therapists and healthcare professionals?

I talk and write and counsel about Connection every day. All of the problems I see in my practice are related to disconnection. When we find one way to disconnect, it will affect everything in our lives. When we turn our heads to suffering, when we become smug in our positions of superiority, we experience the unconscious pain of disconnection. For many, this leads to the addictive behavior that allows escape for a time.

Many of us and our clients are also feeling overwhelmed with the immense suffering that every day brings. Tuning into the news on our phones, the TV, and from our friends becomes addictive.

So, now, in addition to the Serenity Prayer, I am challenging you all to Connect in a way that gives support to someone suffering. Smile, speak up, give a hug, find a way to spread your light. Put positive energy into the universe. When enough good people focus their energy, change will happen.

Be In Light,
Carol

Humans are adaptable.

We made it through the last ice age when a lot of other animals did not.

We’ve made it through all kinds of catastrophes - war, pestilence, genocide, natural disasters.

We are omnivores - we can eat just about anything.

Adaptability allows us to survive, which can be a wonderful thing. It also allows us to tolerate considerable suffering. Not so good.

We often talk about adverse circumstances becoming “the new normal,” and that is indeed what happens. We enter destructive relationships and adapt, rather than leave. We engage in painful activities and adapt, rather than find another way to accomplish our goals. We expose ourselves to excessive stimulation from drugs, porn, smartphones, gambling, and sugar, and we adapt. Our brains raise the baseline of “normal” to the point where we crave that stimulation above all else - family, work, recreation, etc.

Adaptability is a gift we must use wisely. We do this by allowing our survival brain to adapt, but not getting so activated with emotion that we shut down our rational, enlightened, brain. We need to think and ask the questions, “Does this make sense?” “Is this Connecting me to my higher power or disconnecting me?” “Am I adapting to survive or am I learning to thrive in new circumstances?”

We are living in a very stressful time and we are adapting by going numb, becoming jaded, and even craving more drama and stimulation. Let’s all get grounded and practice living in the moment. Ask, “Am I safe right here, right now?” “Am I turning my attention towards what is congruent with my chosen values?” “Am I living the Serenity Prayer?”

God, Grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The Courage to change the things I can,

And the Wisdom to know the difference.

Be In Light,

Carol