A lot of people are feeling stressed right now. The U.S. government is creating chaos through aggressive bullying of so many segments of our population, and extending into other parts of the world. People everywhere are feeling scared, angry, and hopeless.

These feelings are certainly not new. Our daily lives have been a microcosm of this current situation since humans stood upright.

Last month, I wrote about feeling powerless. Stress is the result of that. It comes from trying to change something over which we are actually powerless. This is the heart of the Serenity Prayer.

Why do we do this? Follow the “why” back into the limbic system. The answer is either “survival” or “addiction.”

Survival stress is meant to keep us alive. Addiction stress both perpetuates the reason to act out – either with anger, drugs, sex, gambling, food, etc. – and provides the stimulation that keeps addiction simmering.

When someone says they are stressed, the first question I ask is, “How are you creating your own stress?”

The answer will usually be that something is happening over which they have no control, or they are telling themselves something irrational, like “I’m not good enough,” or “I’m disappointing people I want to make happy.”

The next question, then, is “Does being stressed change the situation?” Of course, the answer is not only “no,” but that the stress makes it worse!

Once we embrace this concept, we can choose to live differently. We can choose to make conscious decisions to change ourselves, our responses to external situations and stimuli, and then enjoy the peace and centeredness that comes with that choice. It takes willingness, intention, and practice. The rewards are great – health, well-being, and feeling Connected to ourselves, each other, and the Universe.

Be In Light,
Carol

We are inundated with news, mostly bad, and mostly about issues and events for which we can do nothing. Sure, we can go out and protest, we can sign petitions, and we can send letters to politicians and corporations, but mostly, we are powerless.

So, why do we continue to expose ourselves to the nonstop barrage of videos, social media, and television when it makes us feel so bad?

The answer to any “why” question about irrational behavior resides in the limbic system. It is either about survival or about addiction. In this case, addiction.

We become addicted to stimulation, whether it’s from drugs, gambling, shopping, smartphones, doom-scrolling, anger, drama, or anything else that gives our brains a super-charged dopamine rush that leaves us craving more and more and more.

The good news is that when you admit your life is out of control, and that you would like to live differently, the guidebook has already been written. Alcoholics Anonymous developed the 12 Steps and the Serenity Prayer, which work for everyone, not just addicts, all the time.

Step 1 – Admit we are powerless over our addiction. It does not stop at “powerless,” it says “over our addiction.” When we do this, we actually regain power over ourselves and our behavior. Think of it like getting in the ring with Mohammed Ali. If Ali is your addicted brain and you go head-to-head with him, you will lose. No amount of physical strength and no amount of willpower will help you beat him. You will just get more and more beat up. So, what do you do? Get out of the ring! Regain your personal power over your life by stepping out of the ring.

The Serenity Prayer helps you stay on track with this. God, Grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The Courage to change the things I can, And the Wisdom to know the difference.

Stress and anger are the result of trying to change something over which you have no control. Mohammed Ali, for instance. They also provide the simmering stimulation that leads to more craving.

What you can control is where you turn your attention and how you respond to external situations and events.

Choose the life you want to live and turn your attention towards whatever enhances your life and brings you joy. Step out of the ring and into the Light. 

Be In Light,
Carol

"You should be over it by now!"
"Just find something to distract yourself."
"It's time to move on."
"Why don't you just..........."

These are some examples of things people say to their friends, family members, or those in their lives who expect more empathy, sympathy, and general compassion.

What stops us from responding to others' pain more lovingly?

Actually, it's Connection!

I talk about Connection all the time. Connection is our innate state, Connection is recovery instead of addiction, and a desire for intimacy and Connection is what brings clients into my office.

So, how can Connection be the problem with supporting those we love?

Because we feel their pain and want it to stop. It's that simple.

When we say any of the quotes above, we are really saying, "I can't tolerate this pain, so I want to fix it! When you feel better, I will feel better. I also won't feel the helplessness of not being able to stop your suffering."

Unfortunately, the person hearing these responses feels more disconnected. They feel invalidated, blamed for their suffering, and not cared about.

This is a chance to apply the Serenity Prayer:

God, Grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change - that would be the other person's suffering
The Courage to change the things I can - that is my response, and I can choose to be affirming, sympathetic, and patient
And the Wisdom to know the difference - recognize from where my reactions are coming, and take responsibility for myself and not try to "fix" the other person.

Another way of looking at this is with Externalized Emotional Reliance (EER). This is experienced when a person tries to control their own internal state of anxiety, depression, or anger by controlling someone else. For example, if I’m feeling anxious or frustrated because you are still grieving the loss of your pet, I will try to cheer you up with some misguided platitude. The result, of course, is that you feel worse, and either lash out at me or shut down. All of which is very disconnecting.

Next time you feel the urge to make someone feel better, start by reminding yourself that it is not your job. Then think about what you would have liked to hear when you were feeling low. "I'm with you," "I'm so sorry you're suffering," or "I love you."

You can also just offer a hug.

Be In Light,
Carol

One of my favorite assignments to give my clients is to create a vision board. This is a way to decide what kind of person you are, what is important to you, and how you want to live. I like the vision board to be an actual foam board – about 2 feet by 3 feet – where you put magazine photos, small objects, and actual words on. As it fully develops, you step into it, and live in congruence with your values and goals.

For most people, anger, hatred, resentment, and sadness are not the places they want to inhabit. Most people, when asked, will say they want to live in love, joy, and contentment. In reality, though, their behavior does not match their desires.

I struggle with this often, especially in today’s political climate, which has led to the unleashing of so much ugliness and cruelty. It is so easy to slip into anger and despair, and to perseverate on the people I perceive are causing this.

So, what do I do?

I was raised as a Christian, and I am very familiar with both the Old and New Testaments, especially the gospels. These contain the lessons from Jesus, a great teacher, regardless of anyone’s religious or agnostic or atheistic identities. For every life situation, I can turn to something Jesus said (and yes, I know that we can’t know what was actually said), and apply it to my life. The result being that I feel better, more at peace, and definitely more in harmony with the self I want to embrace.

To begin with, Jesus’ main message is to “love and forgive.” Simple, yet difficult. The other day, I was obsessing about the meanness people are displaying to those they view as “other,” and “less than.” I turned my attention to a family member who embraces all the conspiracy theories, calls herself a Christian, but expresses discrimination and bigotry towards various groups. She has even lashed out at me personally for having differing opinions than she does. How do I forgive her?

Then I thought of Jesus hanging on the cross. He had been betrayed by a close friend, had been persecuted by former followers, was judged as an enemy of the state, and was now being stabbed with swords by the Romans as he was dying. And what did he say?

“Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.”

Many of the people in power know exactly what they are doing, and they don’t care. I can put those aside more easily than the people who follow them. Those are the ones that make me most angry, until I recall what Jesus said. As I do that, my anger drains away, and I can feel compassion and forgiveness. They truly “know not what they do.”

Human beings have the incredibly difficult task of rising above their Survival Brains to Connect with their Enlightened Brains.* As I tell my students, the biggest motivator of human behavior is the need to belong to the group. This has been a primary survival mechanism, although it is no longer so important for the survival of the species as it was 200,000 years ago. That mechanism is still active in our limbic systems and explains a lot of irrational behavior. When the limbic system is activated by fear or addiction, it shuts down the prefrontal cortex’s – Enlightened Brain’s – ability to make rational decisions.

When people are living in fear and anxiety, and when they are immersed addictively in social media groups, they lose the ability to think – to ask themselves, “does this make sense?”

Whatever your faith, whoever your teachers are – Buddha, Mohammed, Gandhi, the Dalai Llama, and others – there is the common message of love, forgiveness, and Connection.

YOU can be a teacher as well.

Be the Light

* Addict America: The Lost Connection

Carol