Dr. Carol Clark

Be In Light

The offspring of a customized orbiter
Dr. Carol Clark is a Board certified sex therapist and addictions counselor; and president and senior instructor for Therapy Certification Training, the International Transgender Certification Association, and the International Institute of Clinical Sexology.
Our over-stimulated lifestyles have led to a disconnection from each other and the Universe. The themes and exercises in this book will help you to Connect and be present, leading to a more fulfilled and peaceful life.
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Dr. Carol L Clark

 

Two Wrongs Don't Make A Right

How many times have we heard this? Our mothers said it when we yelled “But my Bobby didn’t come home on time!” Our teachers said it when we got caught cheating and we whined “But everyone cheats!” And I say it to my clients when they come in with their partners and each blames the other for their own angry, mean, or otherwise bad behavior.

When couples are fighting, they tend to excuse their own responsibility in the argument by accusing the other of starting it, continuing it, or not ending it with an apology. One says, “I only called them names because they called me one,” or “They made me so mad I punched the wall.”
If calling names or punching walls or other bad behavior is wrong, then it is wrong and never justified. Stop rationalizing it!

Each of us is responsible for being true to the person we want to be. We need to take time to define that, to decide what kind of person we are. If I decide that I am a compassionate person, then I need to be congruent with that and not turn around and say it’s ok to be judgmental because of another person’s behavior. I need to behave in congruence with my true self, no matter what.

This is at the heart of the Serenity Prayer: “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

I cannot change anyone or anything external to myself and I can change how I think, feel, and respond. When my thinking brain is not shut down by my emotional brain, I can clearly see the difference.

Being in an addictive state can dysregulate the emotional brain, or limbic system, which in turn shuts down the thinking brain, or prefrontal cortex. Addiction is not always about drugs, alcohol, or compulsive behaviors. It is about using stimulation from any number of sources to activate the limbic system’s pleasure centers and escape from pain. Anger and drama are extremely addictive, so when you are fighting, your limbic system is activated and your addict brain keeps the fight going so it gets its fix. (Go to http://addictamerica.net/images/Intimacy_and_Connection_in_Recovery.pdf for a graphic description of how this works.)

Recovery from addiction is all about Connection. The ability to Connect comes from being in congruence with your true self, the self you choose to be. Choose what is right for you and live it!

Be In Light
Carol