Dr. Carol Clark

Be In Light

The offspring of a customized orbiter
Dr. Carol Clark is a Board certified sex therapist and addictions counselor; and president and senior instructor for Therapy Certification Training, the International Transgender Certification Association, and the International Institute of Clinical Sexology.
Our over-stimulated lifestyles have led to a disconnection from each other and the Universe. The themes and exercises in this book will help you to Connect and be present, leading to a more fulfilled and peaceful life.
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Dr. Carol L Clark


I thought about suicide last night.

I was taking a bath after a long, swelteringly hot, strenuous day in the yard. Actually, jungle is a more apt word. I live in Miami and the heat and the rain this summer have turned my gardens into overgrown rain forests, with vines choking the flowering bushes that are flowing over their borders and smothering those plants residing closer to the ground. The sun was brutal and in spite of my husband’s admonition, I “overdid it.”

With a pounding head and aching muscles, I tried to find comfort in our oversized tub, but without anything to lean comfortably against, I finally just lay back and let myself float, mouth and nose barely above the water surface.

In time, I relaxed and my head felt better. I sat up and opened the drain. With my head bent, watching the water begin to run out, I thought of how easy it would be to die. I imagined just fading away to darkness, to emptiness. For long moments I allowed this release of all struggle, of all pain, of all need to do anything. Just let go.

I thought of Robin Williams, who recently gave in to this feeling. I thought about what I knew of him, which is only what any of us knew – his stardom, his addictions, his struggle for sobriety. I thought of how the world has been mourning and questioning what would bring him to that place of just giving up when he had so much for which to live. For a few moments, I thought I knew. He just let go.

Of course I didn’t let go. Not in that way at least. I’m not really suicidal, but I work with people who struggle with addiction and depression, with pain and hopelessness. At times, in spite of all my years of education and experience, I simply give them to God. The answers, however, sometimes come, as they did last night. Answers that I already had but needed to feel in a different way.

Just let go. Just give up the struggle. Not by letting go of life, but by letting go of trying to live in a way that forces us to struggle for some external reward that gives us a sense of worth.

Just like addicts, so many of us struggle with “white knuckling” it. We want to maintain our lifestyles but without the addiction – the obsessive, compulsive behavior that keeps us from just enjoying the moment. We want everything to stay the same – friends, activities, jobs – and just not drink, or drug, or sexually act out, or gamble, or overwork, or any of the other activities in our lives that become out of control. Change is hard. For everyone, not just addicts. I want my lifestyle and everything that comes with it. Yet sometimes, it overwhelms me and I want to just let go.

This is why I look at us all as addicts. Those thoughts and behaviors that are about what comes next and fill us with anxiety are addictive and disconnect us from what is really important. When we Connect with each other, in this moment, then we are living life in recovery and health. This is what the Serenity Prayer and Step One are all about – letting go. Making decisions for a good life comes down to this question: “Is this for my addiction or is this for my recovery?” Life becomes very simple this way because we always know. We know what is really important and it is not fame or money or possessions. We can use this question whether or not we identify as addicts.

Last night I thought about suicide and then I got out of the tub, dried off, and went in to sit on the couch with my husband.

Let go and just live.

Be In Light