Dr. Carol Clark

Be In Light

The offspring of a customized orbiter
Dr. Carol Clark is a Board certified sex therapist and addictions counselor, president and senior instructor at the Sex Therapy Training Institute and is an adjunct professor at Carlos Albizu University in Miami, Florida.
Our over-stimulated lifestyles have led to a disconnection from each other and the Universe. The themes and exercises in this book will help you to Connect and be present, leading to a more fulfilled and peaceful life.
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Dr. Carol L Clark

I work with sex addicts.

I’m a Board Certified Sex Therapist, Licensed Mental Health Counselor, and Certified Addictions Professional. I’ve been in the field of psychotherapy for more than 20 years. I’ve written a book – Addict America: The Lost Connection – in which I discuss how addictive thinking and behavior affects our brains and leads to a disconnection from each other and our spiritual Connections. So far, my book has resonated with everyone who read it and my therapy practice is full. I also have my own training programs so I can pass along the knowledge and expertise I have gathered over the years.

  I am a bit driven. Private practice, teaching at a university, teaching my own sex therapy and addictions programs, supervising students and trying to have a personal life. My husband takes care of everything at home and would get an outside job, but then I would have to do some of what he does and I don't want to, so it works out. Except that I have to make a certain amount of money to pay for everything. I'm generally okay with my life and enjoy what I do and so overall give the impression that I have it all together. My assistant was therefore taken very much aback when I had a complete meltdown after she said "Why can't you just......?" I don't even remember what she was suggesting, I just know that at that moment, to do anything more would have been the proverbial last straw. I couldn't do another thing, no matter how seemingly minor, and I was unfairly angry at her for even thinking I could. 

Couples come together out of an equal fear of intimacy.

This is the answer to many questions about how people end up with each other.

“I want to be in an intimate relationship, so why do I keep choosing emotionally unavailable partners?”

“Why do I keep finding great guys who live somewhere else?”

“Why do all the women I meet want me only for my money?”

“Why do all the partners I meet turn out to be addicts?”

So how does it happen that a person who says he or she wants to be in an intimate relationship has such difficulty? Part of the answer to that is in my book, Addict America: The Lost Connection. Here is an excerpt:

They both have that inner child who holds on to the messages of “I’m not good enough,” “I’m a failure,” “I’m a bad person,” “I’m worthless,” and so on. Each person subliminally recognizes that the other will come so close and no closer, matching each other’s comfort level. They will unconsciously strive to keep that distance. For instance, when they are close sexually, they will be emotionally distant. As they become emotionally close, they will pull apart sexually. They will employ any number of mechanisms to maintain the status quo.

When we are children, we personalize everything, which is where those messages come from. Whether it’s from something obvious, like being abused, that leads to the belief of being a bad person or being worthless; or something more subtle, like bringing home a B instead of an A on a report card, which leads to the belief of not being good enough; we grow up with that sense of having to maintain a certain distance from others. If they get too close, they will see our inner selves and run away.

Of course, this is happening on an unconscious level. The Limbic System (what I call the Caveman Brain), where our emotions reside, is motivating much of our behavior without us even realizing it. Our Prefrontal Cortex (Enlightened Brain) is where the thinking takes place. This is also the part of the brain that says “I want to be close, intimate, and Connected!” Meanwhile, the Caveman Brain is pulling back in fear.

So let’s give this fear of intimacy a number. On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being the farthest away you can be emotionally and 10 being completely Connected, let’s say you are a 5. Maybe your parents got divorced and you hardly saw your father after that. You waited in vain for him to show up but he never did. You took in the message that you are not important. You say you want to be in an intimate relationship with a man, but you don’t trust that any man will really be there for you. If you meet a man who is a 7, he will be trying to get closer than you feel comfortable and you will be (unconsciously) pushing him away. If you meet a 3, you will be trying to get closer to him and he’ll be pulling away until one of you gives up. Generally, when numbers are mismatched, they won’t even get together. The vibe just isn’t there.

So what happens when you meet another 5? It will work for a while. You will both feel comfortable with being so close and no closer. The problem is, we are spiritual beings who are innately Connected to each other and the Universe and our Enlightened Brains want us to be as close as we can get, so we are always striving for real Connection. We want to be known and accepted fully as we are and yet we are scared to death of that. We engage in the dance of Power and Control as we try to maintain the status quo even while growing and evolving.

We need to recognize our fears and then take responsibility for them. We can make that decision to not bring the past into the present. Therapy can help with this. We can take the scary risk of being open to intimacy. We can believe that we are lovable. We can each choose to be a 10!

Be In Light,

Carol

           Dr. Carol Clark, author of Addict America: The Lost Connection

 

 

There is a huge debate in the therapeutic community, especially among sex therapists, about the existence of sex addiction. As a sex addiction treatment provider, I am sometimes drawn into these debates, but they often prove non-productive because for some reason, while the pro-sex addiction crowd is generally open to discussion and the inclusion of others’ ideas, the nay-sayers seem entrenched in their beliefs and unwilling to entertain any thinking other than their own. As far as I’m concerned, a rose by any other name……….Call it what you will, there is a certain chemical process in the brain that occurs with stimulation from any number of sources, such as cocaine, gambling, or masturbating to internet porn. There are definable thought processes, behaviors, and feelings that are common among all addicts and form an identifiable pattern. Finally, there are treatment protocols and interventions that work well with addicts, no matter the drug of choice.

The U.S. Supreme Court decided last year that corporations are people and so, to some extent, they are.

Corporations are certainly run by people and those people often think and behave addictively, as defined in my book Addict America: The Lost Connection.